I am ashamed to say that I was more than ready for the season to change. It is a shame upon me as I have been a most willful child this winter.
The definition of willful: 1. Said or done on purpose; deliberate. 2. Obstinately bent on having one’s own way.
It is has been a long dreary winter according to my very limited and immature opinion. There has been a darkness harboring within me these last few months and I have tumbled down into the very depths of it. It all began when Salah was let go from his job back in September.
With uncertainty lying before us as to how ‘we’ would make it through the winter and how ‘we’ would meet all of the monthly expenses, Salah and I did what any person or family would do in our circumstances. ‘We’ took matters into our hands! I know, I can see you shake your head, silly us. What is that saying, something like, “if I knew then what I know now, I would do it different.” Yet, if that were true, I would not have Jesus in my life and I would never learn God’s plans and purposes for me and would be far worse off without Him.
Anyways, back to the wandering thought…
With him being at home now and me being a ‘wife at home’ for the last two years, we found ourselves asking, as some couples find themselves asking after retirement, “who is this person and what have you been doing all day?” It was a very new circumstance for both of us. I being used to ‘doing my thing my way’, while he was working, found it very uncomfortable with someone “hanging over my shoulder” so to speak. And adding his two cents worth when it was not asked for in the first place. Wait it gets better!
We have spent time together but not like this. Either one of us or both of us had been working and time spent together was after work, on vacation, etc. Being together like this every day ALL day indefinitely, that is something different entirely. And my willfulness did not take long to show itself. I openly admit I did not like being “watched” so closely. It would be so much easier and less painful if I placed it on him, but that would not honor the Lord, would not be true and would not teach me what I need to learn. No, it rests within me and I take responsibility for my actions and the consequences from them. Whatever part Salah played in any of this I will keep that between him and God’s hands.
A man’s [moral] self shall be filled with the fruit of his mouth; and with the consequence of his words he must be satisfied [whether good or evil]. Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and they who indulge in it shall eat the fruit of it [for death or life]. Proverbs 18:20-21 Amplified Bible
Meanwhile, I found myself opening my mouth and out would come this awful attitude or response. It was not pretty. Over and over. Thoughts and words are related. Thoughts are unspoken words. Words are verbalized thoughts. Your words are a reflection of your thoughts…UGH! I was so frustrated…I could not tame my tongue.
Watch your words and hold your tongue; you’ll save yourself a lot of grief. Proverbs 21:23 The Message
I found myself amidst a totally new ‘comfort zone’ without ANY comfort. My attitude and responses to certain things began to weigh very heavily upon me. That is where the dark cloud comes over me. I wanted to scream, I wanted to yell, I wanted to say all that was in my heart…but the Lord placed His hand over my mouth and told me to be quiet. I kept saying, "But, Lord, he…" And the Lord places His hand over my mouth again. I said again, "But, Lord, he…." And the Lord placed His hand over mouth yet again this time telling me, "Be still child." Then I said, "But, Lord, I don’t want anyone watching me so close. I want my privacy." And there was the dark cloud storming above…my pure unadulterated pride was being poked. Suddenly everything seemed very transparent and very self-centered.
If anyone thinks himself to be religious (piously observant of the external duties of his faith) and does not bridle his tongue but deludes his own heart, this person’s religious service is worthless (futile, barren). James 1:26 The Amplified Bible
I was smack dab face to face with my ugliness of my space being infringed upon. I was mad because I felt like I could not enjoy a leisurely coffee and breakfast. I was resentful because I could not take a nap in the middle of the afternoon just because I wanted to. I was frustrated because I couldn’t sit and watch a movie eating a snack instead of doing…anything more productive…like dusting or vacuuming. Instead I was constantly being held accountable for my actions and how I spent my day. I did not like facing the fact that I had become pure lazy! How do you think I put on all this weight? Not by keeping my hands busy doing my daily tasks.
Anyway, it all seemed to blow up in my face right around Easter. I was not feeling healthy about me. Anything and everything has made me cry and cry and cry over the last month or so. I was not able to hide this embarrassment. I was so afraid to look at you for fear you would see how low I had sunk. Especially, since I have not been very supportive or encouraging for you during these past few months with all the changes that you are heading into [which I am so excited for you both, really]. Drama. Drama. Drama. That is how I felt…I was making much more it than necessary. But, laziness is a very serious condition just as overeating is. Both are equally bad for your health. And instead of rejoicing that Salah wanted to spend time with me doing projects like the goats, I slapped him the face with my attitude of having my space infringed upon. Which led way to all kinds of other grief in the process.
Now that this has been revealed to me about my laziness and poor eating habits…what I am doing about it? I have no clue. Which in lies a whole other side of just being plain lost. I have no clue what I am doing about anything. I used to be able observe and figure out where I could jump back into my life when I stumbled so badly. You know like jumping rope with two people holding the rope for you. You wait and watch them turn the rope for just the right time to…JUMP…and phew…what a cool thing when you made it! Well, there I am waiting, watching the rope…only I haven’t the foggiest of when to jump in anymore. Nervous about making the wrong jump. Fearful of messing it up. I am sure that the Lord is right here with me. Knowing that and saying that is one thing BUT believing that is the biggest challenge to accept. That is why I am still watching and waiting…I learning to believe and trust more in the Lord.